Okay, I don't generally talk about this, but for some reason I really feel like I should tell this story, so here we go. Maybe it'll help somebody out. Yesterday I bought a hat. It's a keep-me-warm up at Badger Creek kinda hat, with a small visor on the front. It's actually my favorite kind of hat, and it looks good on me. So I bought it and wore it home. You'll think I'm silly, but I was actually pretty proud of myself for that. You see, me and this type of hat have a history.
In 2006 I was dating a guy in AZ who always wore this kind of hat. Looked good on him, too. I'd steal it from him occaisionaly, or he'd plunk it down on my head when he saw me shiver and say, "Keep warm, girl!" It was good at first. But then he changed, got mean.
'Why didn't you leave him the first time he hit you?' I get that question sometimes.
Oh, because I 'forgave' him. (This is not real forgiveness. This is denial.) Because I'd blame myself, "I made him mad, I started it..." or because he'd beg forgiveness and I never could stay mad at him. Also 'cause I was scared to death of him. There were lots of reasons. There always are. If it had been a sister, a cousin, a friend, I would have called her up and said, "You need to get out of there NOW. I'm coming to pick you up." Hindsight is 20/20 I guess. Eventually my Mr. Wonderful made some threats that I didn't take seriously, but I knew it was time to get out of there. I was traveling back to NV for Christmas, and I figured I'd just go and never come back. Maybe he knew, maybe he found out what I was up to. Who knows?
I was packing my bags, alone in my cabin. It was cold, snow was falling hard, and the radio was on. I saw a movement out of the corner of my eye, turned, and there he was. You can imagine what happened from there.
The good news is that I never did go back after that. Good news is that I have a strong family who love me. Good news is that about 2000 years ago Christ performed an Atonement in which he suffered for not just our sins, but also for our physical and emotional pain. Bad news is that in this life we have trials and sometimes we are asked to fight with things like Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.
I used to panic at anyting that was remotely related to the incident; Pine trees, snow, packing, being alone, darkness, certain songs on the radio, even that darn hat. Too bad, too. That was my favorite kind of hat.
How does Forgiveness tie into all this? Christ said that we are expected to forgive all men. But I didn't need to be forgiven of anything here. True.
I think that sometimes forgiveness is more for the offended than for the offender. Forgiving him was good for me. I forgive him, I do not hold a grudge against him, but that does not mean I should ever go back to him. I forgive him; I do not trust him.
If someone has hurt you, the Atonement can heal you... if you let it. Feelings of hate and shame and anger are very distructive and corrosive to a soul. Holding on to them feels empowering at first, but eventually they are just rotteness in your bones. No good. You choose to control it by letting it go, or let it control you by holding on. In the same way, you choose to let the Atonement work in your life, or you block it. You choose to act, or to be acted upon.
Doesn't mean it will be easy, however. Sometimes we are given trials, even when we have done nothing wrong. Today for example. Super embarrassing. My phone rang in class. I reached to turn it off, but couldn't find it. Looking, looking, looking and it kept ringing, ringing, ringing. Out of nowhere I felt panic creeping up, so I grabbed my whole bag and bolted out the door. If I'm going to have a panic attack I'm sure not doing it in front of the whole class, thank you. So I went to the hall and tried to get ahold of myself. I couldn't stop thinking about 2006, and anger rose with the panic.
I knew I could continue to get angrier and angerier, or I could remember to apply the Atonement and remember to forgive him. So as soon as I had gathered my wits, I went to the quiet solitude of the Wildlife Museum down the hall, and prayed, 'God, let me forgive that man. I don't want to hate him. Help me to get rid of this awful feeling.'
And He always does.
One of my favorite Hymns goes something like this:
I Believe in Christ. He is my King. With all my heart, to him I'll sing. I'll raise my voice in praise and joy, in grand amens my tongue employ. ... And while I strive through greif and pain, His voice is heard, 'Ye shall obtain.'
I know that is true. I know because I've seen it work in my life, and I continue to see it everyday. I see it in little things mostly, in buying a new hat that I like, that I don't have to panic about anymore, and I see it in the friends God gives me who text me after I run out of class and persuade me to come back.
I am so blessed.
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