Friday, July 20, 2012

Darling-ness


I like to wear headbands. They are fun and cute and they hide greasy hair, which is a HUGE plus for me, since I have been washing my hair only every 2-3 days because I really need it to grow.  (As a little tip for those ladies out there whose hair refuses to grow, stop washing it. It has been growing really well now. Also stop curling it/straightening it/dyeing it/blow-drying it. Pretty much you’ll have to look like a flippin hippie for a few months, but at least your hair will grow, for the love of God.) The only trouble that I have with headbands is that they squeeze the freak outta my head, especially in that sensitive spot right behind your ears. I get a WICKED headache after a while. With metal headbands I can usually just bend them a little to make them wider and thus less likely to crush my skull. But plastic ones are such a pain in the rear because if you try to bend them they just break!! Gah!!  And who the heck put TEETH on these things? Maybe a few teeth up around the top to hold it in place, but why are they necessary all the way down? THEY AREN’T! And then if you conk your head you have those TEETH digging into your cranium. It’s bad news.

That’s a big problem for me: conking my head. When I was a kid I was the WORST. I conked my dang head on EVERYTHING. AND! I slept on the top bunk which I fell off of several times and that hurts like mad.  Have you ever fallen off of the top bunk? It’s a long fall! Especially when you are a kid! Everything is bigger when you are four feet tall.

You know? Sometimes I wish I was four feet tall again, even with all the head-conking. Not four feet tall like, Larissa Tanner < J >, but I mean be a kid again. I have compiled a list of reasons that I should be allowed to go back into my childhood; somewhere 4-6 years old. 

1.       I was darling. I was. Most kids are cute, a few unfortunate are not, but I was the class above cute; I was DAR-LING. I had enormous blue eyes and dimples, and curled strawberry blonde hair. I was a mischievous but very affectionate little doll, and I had a lisp that made my ‘r’s into ‘w’s and ‘s’s into ‘th’s. In general, I brought joy to the human race. I was like Jesus. With a lot less controversy.

2.       I was skinny as heck. I used to get into trouble for eating cubes of butter and spoonfulls of Crisco. And still I was a twig! It was like I had a fat deprivation.  It made me happy and made America look good.

3.       I got to eat a ton of way more delicious food. Chicken nuggets and Mac&Cheese and Spaghettios… But back then if you were served okra or peaches or spinach you HAD TO had to eat it or DIE. Nowadays you can just say, “Umm, nope. I don’t like that crap, and I’m not gonna eat it. Ain’t gonna happen!”  So actually, I take that one back.

4.       Actually that’s all I’ve got. And #2 is kinda sketch, so really we’ll just go back to #1. I was darling.



Who am I kidding? I still am darling. I wear headbands. I’m like Zooey Deschanel.

Boy, I will be your sexy silk.

I have great respect for the gym. I just joined a gym, hrmmmm, three-ish weeks ago. Just ‘Anytime Fitness’ nothing super swank or whatever. I love it. I have lost a few pounds already, and I know I am getting buff because I have my iPod on my arm, and I had to loosen the band because it has gotten a little too tight. Which is good, because in Wyoming the wranglers told me I have frog arms. 


Oh God! Wrong picture wrong picture, sorry....

Okay, that's better. Yeah, so as you can see, 'Frog Arms' is probably not a compliment. 


The gym is my haven. My favorite is when the boxing instructor is there because I love to punch stuff, I discover. I also love to check out sweaty guys over at the weights station. (Weights station? I’m sure that’s not the right name. Stations are what we rotated around in Kindergarten.) Don’t worry! I am super sneaky and ogle them by looking in the mirror.  Besides, they’re totally doing the same thing to me, so phooey! I’ll ogle sweaty dudes all I please, thank you. 


Oh dear.
Wow. I started that paragraph with the intention of saying something deep and meaningful. That was super successful.
While I’m on the subject of sweat, however…… some sweaty guys are, shall we say, less desirable than others.


This article is really not going according to plan. I’m trying hard to tell you about the plaque I saw in the gym that said “Happyness is not a destination. It is a way of life.” (Yes, it’s actually ‘happiness’, not ‘happyness’, but I like it better that way)  And I was kinda hit by that. It true. You can be knocked off your feet by a freight train that came out of F*$%ING NOWHERE, but as soon as the feeling returns to your limbs, get up and RUN LIKE HELL. Be happy and don't let anyone try to stop you. So, that’s what I really wanted to say. We can now return to being shallow.
I am actually all gross and sweaty from the gym myself right now, so ima go take a shower. Peace.

I'll leave you with that image. You're welcome. 

Thursday, July 19, 2012

The Dog Days Are Over



Happiness hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with her drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had and what was left after that too, oh
Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back
Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

Saturday, June 30, 2012

I Really Don't Think I Can Do That Again


I really don’t think I can do that again.

So, as many people know, I suffer from a really painful disorder called Endometriosis, but which I refer to as ‘Metrie’ the same way that people with Cystic Fibrosis call it ‘Sixty-Five Roses’.  Makes it sound nicer; maybe now it’ll act nicer. No? Oh, well, dammit.
In a nutshell, about every month it flares up, usually not too bad, and can be fixed with ungodly amounts of around 6 ibuprofen, 4 naproxen and usually a few diphenhydramine because really, you think I wanna be conscious thru that? No.  Massive crippling pelvic pain, sometimes extending up to my ribs and down to my knees, horrific sensitivity to light, heat, touch, smell and sound, and PAIN PAIN PAIN that often results in vomiting and delirium. It’s so great. Today it was so bad that I could not crawl to get the phone to call for someone to take me to the hospital for about an hour, couldn’t stand to reach the pills in my medicine cabinet,  and I lay on the linoleum of my kitchenette, rolling in pain and shaking, until my t-shirt and hair were both DRIPPING wet from perspiration.  The worst part is that the pain won’t let you push it to the back of your mind- you can’t really distract yourself from it. You are perfectly, totally aware of every single body-wrenching twist, every time.  Today might’ve been the worst I have ever had it, maybe the second worst. No, no I take that back; the other time I actually made it to the hospital where I got lots and lots of morphine, which was really nice. This time I got the whole 3 hour party. 3 hours seems like 5 hours, I swear. It was so fun. That was this morning from about Noon until 3 o’clock. It is now 11:30pm and my arms and legs are still very weak and shaking.
Anyhow, as I lay on the couch, semi-comatose about 4 this afternoon, I thought to myself; “I don’t think I can do that again.” I was so tired I could hardly move, and even talking was laborious. I had taken  a small handful of pills, on which I blame the temporary loss of feeling in my fingers, lips, forehead and toes. I didn’t mind. Hell, I didn’t want to feel ANYTHING right then.
So tomorrow I am getting an appointment with Dr. (probably Johnson, maybe Rafael) to get some f’vicodin or some f’oxycotin or some f’weed! I don’t care, but this can’t keep happening. God, that was such Hell.
Sorry for burdening everyone with that, but getting it over my lips seems to help. Or over the keyboard. Same thing. J

Friday, May 18, 2012

Nightmares


Last night I had a dream. A nightmare, rather. I always have nightmares when I get cold while I sleep. That’s why I take extra care to stay warm at night; my subconscious seems to take delight in finding things I fear most and presenting them, and taking things I love most and tormenting them. Last nights misadventure was about being stalked by a tall man with a variety of metal good for stabbing people. I think being stabbed would be the worst way to be murdered (without getting creative). I love my horses, so of course the man in my dream slit their throats. This dream wasn’t TOO terrible tho, since I managed to get Leah (my little sister) onto the back of one horse and thus escape.
I’m getting much better at escaping in my nightmares. I used to dream, rather often, of a dark, strong man who appeared behind me and choked me and beat me until I’d wake up in a sweat. Every  time I had the dream it was very much the same; I knew just how he’d grab me, how he’d throw me to the floor, and how he’d choke me, his hand fitting almost all the way around my neck. Even tho I knew how the attack would go, I never knew how to escape from my attacker.  But recently I have been learning a little bit about fighting, from my lover, Chad. The last time I had that dream, I fought back. In my dream, the dark man had come from behind, as always, he’d gotten me to the floor and even gotten his hand around my neck, but I remembered a move that Chad had taught me recently, and I threw the man off of me.
I’m sure the dream will come again, but this time I will be ready.
In last night’s dream, I escaped on horseback. I had the chance to run in the dream, but in real life I am a terrible runner, and my subconscious knows that. If I ever run from an attacker, I am captured. Good thing there were horses!
But I got to thinking; what happens in tomorrow’s dream, where there are no horses?
So I went for a run this morning. I am still as bad as ever, but I am going to work at it. If I am never fast, I will run long. And then later, when I dream, maybe I will be able to escape on foot. Maybe others don’t literally run from their nightmares during daylight hours, but if you had the dreams I do, I think you would. 

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Rassmussen Plantation part 11


Cinnamon didn’t answer. Instead, she took a few steps past him and knelt down, near Ajax, who was still in his original spot on the rug.
“Be careful. He doesn’t always take to strangers.” Jeremy’s voice was swift and stern.
Cinnamon patted Ajax on the head and Ajax whined and leaned into her lap. Jeremy looked surprised.
“What were you doing on my lawn, Jeremy Tarleton?” Cinnamon asked, never lifting her eyes from Ajax, “You ought not to go walking on grounds not your own at such an hour.”
Jeremy chuckled again, and sat down on the red couch where Cinnamon had been laying.
“Do I make you nervous, little lamb?”
“No. I’m not afraid of you or anyone. And don’t call me ‘little lamb’.” Cinnamon’s eyes flashed up at him with a burst of ill-disguised hostility, but quickly returned to the wolf in her lap.
“I do make you nervous. Your speech suddenly became more formal. And you were very quick on the defense. But I suppose it’s partly ingrained into you; the moment you regained consciousness you sat up, as if you expected an attack, or sensed an enemy.”
“Are you a gypsy then, Mr. Jeremy Tarleton? and do you make a habit of telling fortunes to strangers?”
“Not I, Miss Cinnamon Rassmussen. ‘Tho I confess my mother was a Roma, and was known to entertain with cards and smoke and trinkets. Perhaps it’s inherent.”
“I knew a man like you once.” Cinnamon patted Ajax, “He was a sniper in the Great War. He noticed everything, saw every detail and never forgot a thread. He told me they trained him for it;  my father can read Latin, but I cannot.”
“You don’t like me.” Jeremy smiled, “You don’t trust me and you don’t like me. That’s unusual.”
If Jeremy was trying to change her mind about that, he was doing rather a bad job.
“No.” replied Cinnamon, lifting her chin just a little, “I don’t like you and I don’t trust you, either. You dodge all of my questions.”
Jeremy chuckled again, and said to himself, “And never been taught how to play games.”
“Games, Mr. Tar- Jeremy?” Cinnamon corrected herself.
“You know, games, Little Lamb. Cat-and-Mouse, Cloak-and-Dagger, Hard-to-Get. Games people play with each other.” Jeremy knelt down next to Cinnamon on the rug and joined her in petting Ajax, “I’m just playing with you, Cinnamon.”
“Well I don’t like your games. I can play them well enough, but I’d rather be frank.”
“Very well. Let’s begin again, shall we?” Jeremy stuck out his hand to her, “Hello, Miss Cinnamon Rassmussen. I am Jeremy Tarleton, but I do insist you call me Jeremy.”
“Cinnamon Charlotte Rassmussen.” Cinnamon shook his hand, “And thanks for taking care of me tonight.”
“Ah, my duty and my pleasure, Miss Rassmussen.”
“You may call me Cinnamon.”
“You’re beginning to like me already!” Jeremy smiled.
“Don’t be so sure,” thought Cinnamon.
A knock at the door announced the arrival of an old man, carrying a basin of fresh water.
“Thank you, Ben. Is that tea coming soon?” Jeremy greeted him.
“Indeed, sir, indeed it is,” the old man replied.
“Thank you, Ben. And let me know if you need my assistance.”  Jeremy smiled at his old, bent servant  in a kind way.
“Oh, no, Master Jeremy, no indeed. It will be my pleasure,” the old man said, waving his hand dismissively at Jeremy, and shuffling back out the door.
Jeremy chucked and looked down at his wolf, but spoke to Cinnamon, “I think Old Ben has taken care of me for his entire life. Never lets me raise a finger to help him, or to help myself. The most loyal friend I could ever have had.”
Ajax whined and looked up at his master, cocking his head to the side.
“Except for you, Ajax, old boy,” laughed Jeremy.
“He seems to need at least a little help,” Cinnamon commented, not unkindly, “The house seemed perfectly deserted when I first spied it, and there seems to be a lot of dusting to be done.”
“You’ll get no argument from me,” replied  Jeremy, “Tho you’ll get quite a lot from Old Ben. I am usually away from home, and only recently returned. I’m afraid that Ben is taking a turn for the worse, and the house suffers for it. If I hired someone to help him, I know it would deeply offend the old chap, and since I don’t entertain much company, I’ll just let Ben enjoy his last few years as he likes, since he refuses to retire.”
Cinnamon smiled, despite herself. There was a tender, genuine tone in Jeremy’s voice when he talked about his old servant. He really cared for the old man as he would his own father. 
“But what about you, Miss Cinnamon?” Jeremy turned his eyes to her, and took her by her two hands, lifting her to her feet from the rug, “Come, let’s sit back on the sofa,” he added as a side note.
“What about me?” Cinnamon asked, following him obediently.
“Your house must be no better than mine. And you haven’t any help there at all, have you?”
“No. But I can get along just fine. I am stronger than I look.”
“No doubt, no doubt. You’re not there all alone, are you? I don’t think that would be a good idea. Not for any extended period of time, anyhow.”
“I’m not alone. I have Tybalt with me.”
Jeremy laughed aloud this time, a bark of a laugh, a legitimately surprised and pleased one.
“You mean your cat, don’t you?”
“Well, yes, but he’s good company.” Cinnamon answered, a little sullen.
“I don’t doubt it. Animals can be the best of companions. Ajax!” Jeremy called his wolf to his side, “But a cat isn’t much for protection.”
Ajax came at once, and laid his head in Jeremy’s lap.
“Oh, he does as well as a cat can,” defended Cinnamon.
“Would you consider keeping Ajax with you, for a time?”
Ajax seemed to know that his master was talking about him, and his eyes glanced back from Jeremy to Cinnamon.
“He’s a good fellow,” advertised the wolf’s master, “and he’s very well trained. He’ll protect anyone I instruct him to.”
Cinnamon hesitated. The idea of a big, black wolf was appealing as it was certain to deter her home invaders, but she didn’t know how Tybalt would react to it. And she wasn’t keen to be beholden to anyone; fast way to trouble, that was.
“Thanks, Jeremy, thanks, but I think not. Ajax….he’d attack my cat, I think, and I’m too attached him to let anything happen.”
“Cinnamon, I promise you he will not attack your cat,” Jeremy smiled, with that impossible smile that said he knew just what she was thinking
Another knock at the door announced that Old Ben had arrived with the tea. The couple remained in the red room for another hour before Cinnamon could no longer stifle her yawns, and she stood to excuse herself back home.
“Ah, not tonight, Miss Cinnamon,” Jeremy insisted, “Ben has prepared a room for you, with a drawn fire and fresh sheets; he’d be quite hurt if his work went to waste. And in any case, I’m not letting you walk all the way back to Eau D’Noir; I’ll find you in a dead faint halfway there tomorrow morning.”  
Cinnamon was too tired to argue. Her eyes were closing as Jeremy walked her down the hall, carrying a candelabra. The candlelight cast strange shadows against the walls, and, being in an unfamiliar house, Cinnamon had the feeling of a mouse in a maze. At last they stopped before a door, and Jeremy opened it slightly, then slightly bowed.
“Goodnight,” Jeremy said, leaning forward and kissing her lightly on the forehead. Before Cinnamon had a chance to respond, Jeremy and the light of the candelabra were gone, and Cinnamon was left in the dark.

Chapter Ten
The next morning Cinnamon awoke before Jeremy or Old Ben had a chance to, and hurried back to Eau D’Noir in her bare feet. She wasn’t sure how her host would take this, but the house made her uncomfortable, and so did he; Jeremy Tarleton with his cat-and-mouse games and his handsome, piercing eyes that looked just a little too deep into her own.
She shook her red tangles as she entered the last clearing and took a resentful look at her mansion.
            “You creepy old thing,” she thought, stopping and observing the house from afar, “What am I going to do with you?”
The thought of converting the mansion into a Bed and Breakfast reoccurred to her. What a job that would be. Perhaps she could convince Alexandra to come and stay with her for a while, to clean and cook and split the profits when they came in. Assuming that they would, in fact, come in.  
She sighed deeply and walked up to the house with her muddy feet.
She was met in the porch by a harassed-looking Tybalt. He’d spent the night searching and searching for her, and now wasn’t going to let her off lightly.
            “Rrrrr-owww,” he scolded, rubbing and rubbing against her ankles, “Rrrrrr-owwww. Where have you been!? How could you just disappear like that without a word? And the smell of wolves thick in the air! I just knew that I would find your body scattered from here to New Orleans! Don’t run off like that again, I’m warning you!”
Cinnamon largely ignored him and hurried up the stairs to change into her usual uniform; the sleeveless white shirt, the rolled-up overalls and a tattered newsboy cap. She looked funny in the fancy embossed-bordered mirror in the Master Bedroom. Perhaps this would be a popular room for guests.
Cinnamon left off her shoes and went back down the stairs, tying her hair back as she descended them.  Suppose she was to convert the place to a hotel. What rooms should she need to open? She’d need an office. Old Rassmussen’s office would do the job well. And the grand foyer would serve as a lobby, the kitchen was all ready for use, and the dining room wouldn’t need too much work, apart from polishing the silver. Assuming she could find the silver.  There seemed to be a lot of assumptions to throw around.
Cinnamon went first to the kitchen, and there made herself a ham and cheese sandwich from the ‘fixin’s’ left her by her lady visitors the other day. As she ate, she glanced around the kitchen, rather pleased with her work there. The counters and sinks were all cleaned, as well as every dish in the cupboard. Strange that she had not found the silver in all the drawers. It would have been an easy target for thieves, or one of the first things sold off, had the family fallen on hard times. But then, the silver-handled mirror and brush were still upstairs when she’d arrived, and they would’ve been sold off even before the silverware.
The practical mysteries of the place were as baffling as the supernatural ones.
The morning passed with Cinnamon on her knees, scrubbing the floors and up on chairs, scrubbing the walls. Many of the rooms were already cleaned to a degree, and Cinnamon didn’t have a terrible time getting them clean to her satisfaction. Regular light maintenance would keep them very well. The curtains were taken down and beaten out-of-doors, then taken back up and re-hung, and the rugs were all treated similarly. There were the many sheets which had been covering the furniture and beds that needed to be beaten out and stored, mirrors and windows to be treated with a homemade mixture of vinegar and water, armies of dead flies to me swept from the windowsills, and occasional mold to be scrubbed or pried up from the floors and windows. Cinnamon was unwilling to re-visit the attic where she had stored the photograph album, so she searched all over the house for another place to store them, and ended up putting the majority in the vacant maid’s quarters, next to the attic.
“Silly,” she thought, “to be afraid of the entire attic because it has a photograph album with a picture of a woman long dead. I’m not even sure it’s Alyce!”
“You do know it’s Alyce,” contradicted another voice in her head.
“I do not,” Cinnamon insisted, and started humming ‘Bill Bailey, Won’t You Come Home’ to block out any other thoughts on the matter, and went back to scrubbing.
A few hours later, after she had eaten another ham and cheese sandwich and fed little scraps to Tybalt, Cinnamon was back up in the maid’s quarters, storing sheets, when a sound turned her head. It sounded like a door shutting, coming from the attic. When the thought had time to sink in, her sink crawled involuntarily.
“It’s just a draft, Tybalt,” Cinnamon assured the cat at her ankles, “just a draft in a drafty old house.”
“Rrrrowww,” replied the cat.
Then came the sound of footsteps running out of the attic, and down the hallway, and the out of hearing. 

The Hideout



You know how old English houses have names? I guess most fancy places have names. Truthfully, I think that all places have names, just few of them are referred to generally by them.
I have been very lucky lately, and have gotten myself a nice little place in the North Valleys. It’s a very, very little place, but it has a porch (which is really quite essential for my happiness, I find), a large, walk-in closet, a shower which retains it’s hot water for a sufficiently long while, and I’ve got a good little garden growing in pots and baskets on the porch, and if the birds and rabbits don’t get them first, some wildflowers that I’ve sewn a bit helter-skelter in the backyard dirt.  
I have named my place ‘The Hideout’ and I have named the valley I live in ‘Quail Run’ because there are always quails running across the road and across the yard, and all around. I adore them, the sweet little things.
I like quails very much, also because they stick together, don’t they? The husband and wife never leave each other’s side, they always stick together, and soon there will be little quail-lings running all around behind their mothers and fathers. Mr. and Mrs. Quail are always a welcome sight. They always make me smile.
Oh- if anyone knows where I can get ahold of pumpkin seeds, I would very much appreciate that. I want to grow pumpkins more than anything, so I can have my own jack-o-lanterns come Halloween.