Darling-ness

I like to wear headbands. They are fun and cute and they hide greasy hair, which is a HUGE plus for me, since I have been washing my hair only every 2-3 days because I really need it to grow.  (As a little tip for those ladies out there whose hair refuses to grow, stop washing it. It has been growing really well now. Also stop curling it/straightening it/dyeing it/blow-drying it. Pretty much you’ll have to look like a flippin hippie for a few months, but at least your hair will grow, for the love of God.) The only trouble that I have with headbands is that they squeeze the freak outta my head, especially in that sensitive spot right behind your ears. I get a WICKED headache after a while. With metal headbands I can usually just bend them a little to make them wider and thus less likely to crush my skull. But plastic ones are such a pain in the rear because if you try to bend them they just break!! Gah!!  And who the heck put TEETH on these things? Maybe a few teeth up around the top to hold it in place, but why are they necessary all the way down? THEY AREN’T! And then if you conk your head you have those TEETH digging into your cranium. It’s bad news.

That’s a big problem for me: conking my head. When I was a kid I was the WORST. I conked my dang head on EVERYTHING. AND! I slept on the top bunk which I fell off of several times and that hurts like mad.  Have you ever fallen off of the top bunk? It’s a long fall! Especially when you are a kid! Everything is bigger when you are four feet tall.

You know? Sometimes I wish I was four feet tall again, even with all the head-conking. Not four feet tall like, Larissa Tanner < J >, but I mean be a kid again. I have compiled a list of reasons that I should be allowed to go back into my childhood; somewhere 4-6 years old. 

1.       I was darling. I was. Most kids are cute, a few unfortunate are not, but I was the class above cute; I was DAR-LING. I had enormous blue eyes and dimples, and curled strawberry blonde hair. I was a mischievous but very affectionate little doll, and I had a lisp that made my ‘r’s into ‘w’s and ‘s’s into ‘th’s. In general, I brought joy to the human race. I was like Jesus. With a lot less controversy.

2.       I was skinny as heck. I used to get into trouble for eating cubes of butter and spoonfulls of Crisco. And still I was a twig! It was like I had a fat deprivation.  It made me happy and made America look good.

3.       I got to eat a ton of way more delicious food. Chicken nuggets and Mac&Cheese and Spaghettios… But back then if you were served okra or peaches or spinach you HAD TO had to eat it or DIE. Nowadays you can just say, “Umm, nope. I don’t like that crap, and I’m not gonna eat it. Ain’t gonna happen!”  So actually, I take that one back.

4.       Actually that’s all I’ve got. And #2 is kinda sketch, so really we’ll just go back to #1. I was darling.

Who am I kidding? I still am darling. I wear headbands. I’m like Zooey Deschanel.